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Baby Brother

Our sweet little boy turns 5 months tomorrow and the last 5 months have been filled with so many new experiences. Mainly our biggest challenge has been adjusting from having one kid to having two kids. Any parent who has gone through this knows exactly what I’m talking about. To sum it up, less time for yourself and everything else while being more sleep deprived, but none of this matters. Our house is so filled with love, joy and laughter that at times I feel a slight twinge to add one more. (Emphasis on slight because I mean itty bitty, tiny, fleeting thought).

Of all the joy our little boy brings I hate to admit that there is some fear, some worry, some anxiety. Every parent feels this, we all worry about our children. But I worry that my little boy will end up with CAS.  At times I’m so worried that I find myself studying him. Staring at each of his actions, scrutinizing all of his movements. I constantly read milestone checklists to see if he reaches each one.

I compare his behaviors to my daughter’s infant behaviors. I find myself drawing attention to silly things, telling friends and family, “he always sucks on his fingers and he drools constantly.” I was estatic when he easily took to nursing. Every coo, every smile, every imitation of sound, everytime he makes raspberries with his lips or blows spit bubbles, I find myself rejoicing. I rejoice because these simple actions help alleviate some of my stress and worry.

When our daughter was an infant she rarely demonstrated many of the behaviors her brother does. I don’t remember her blowing spit bubbles or making raspberries. She had difficulties with nursing. She didn’t baby babble as frequently as her brother does now. Looking back there were many warning signs, but I was a first time mom and I missed noticing them. The warning signs didn’t make sense til she was diagnosed. 

Even now as our sweet boy demonstrates so many milestones, I still can’t get over my fears. Now that I’m aware, I worry I’ll miss a warning sign.  I am fearful that I’m creating false hope for myself each time I rejoice. No one prepares you for the amount of worrying you will experience as a mother.

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